


Courage to Stand

by kaeorin



Series: Loki's Lullabies [115]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avenger Loki (Marvel), Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Past Sexual Assault, Protectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:14:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25372210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeorin/pseuds/kaeorin
Summary: Being with Loki is good for you in a lot of ways. He lets you feel normal, and he holds you when you don’t. And he makes you feel strong enough to start speaking up. (This is a continuation of Time and Space, with a reader-character who is a survivor of rape. Please avoid this if that will hurt you.)
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Series: Loki's Lullabies [115]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678240
Comments: 11
Kudos: 175





	Courage to Stand

**Author's Note:**

> Once again (because I'm horrified at the thought of not warning you well enough and ruining someone's night): **the reader-character in this fic is a survivor of sexual assault**. There will NEVER be any depictions of the assault in this storyline or in this series at all, but the reader character is still trying to deal with the effects. If you aren't interested in reading [Time and Space](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24449314), which introduced this character, just know that she was hired as a lab assistant/babysitter for Tony.
> 
> If this does not seem to be a storyline you can deal with tonight, maybe try visiting/revisiting [Soothing the Pain](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24516274), about Loki offering you a massage to ease an old injury? 
> 
> And please take care of yourself.

Being with Loki came with surprises. It was kind of like that was his _thing_. He seemed to take pleasure in doing the very opposite of what was expected of him. He lived for the look of shock on someone’s face, so that he could respond with that slow, sly smile and a quick nod of his head. But, from what you’d heard in your time in the Tower—or, more accurately, your time in Tony’s lab—Loki was not generally one for patience. When Thor joined Tony, and they got onto the subject of how his wayward brother was adapting to life with the Avengers, Thor always had so much to say about Loki’s impetuousness and impulsiveness. You always had to stifle your laughter, based on what Loki had told you about Thor himself, but you listened quietly, never giving so much as a hint that you were even there. Even as Thor summoned lightning into the lab and got into arguments with Tony, he complained about Loki’s pigheadedness and inability to think of anyone other than himself. That made you angry. If you were someone else, someone braver, you might have chimed in to tell Thor that he was wrong.

Because Loki was patient with _you_.

The others had no idea what he was really like. Loki was one of a very few men you could be alone with without dread creeping into you. And that was entirely because of his patience. They didn’t see how long he waited until he could stand beside you at your desk and help you work on your projects. They didn’t see how careful he was, how observant, and how quickly he could pull himself out of your personal space if you started to get overwhelmed. They didn’t know how long he waited until he could take your hand in his own without making your stomach clench with fear. 

The night that you’d summoned the courage to ask him to go out for a drink with you, you’d spilled as much of your story as you could speak aloud, and he’d just listened quietly. You might have expected him to get angry, to rise up and vow bloodthirsty revenge on the man who’d hurt you, but he didn’t. He sat there, across from you, and gripped his glass with white knuckles, but he only asked after you. He did not demand a name. He did not make the conversation about himself or his feelings. He only wanted to hear about you. When the shock of that, and your gratitude to him, made you break down into tears, he let you cry and even listened to your blubbered apologies and attempted explanations before assuring you in that low voice that all was fine.

Maybe it _was_ fine, and maybe it wasn’t. It certainly wasn’t fair to him, how messed up you still were. You’d been spending a _lot_ of time together, and guilt was starting to take root in the back of your mind. He deserved someone who could kiss him without flinching. He deserved someone who could sit in his lap and not freeze with panic when they felt his body begin to react. He had been _endlessly_ patient with you, and promised you over and over again that it was fine if you never wanted to take things further at all. Your experience with men told you otherwise, but Loki was adamant that he was not a man. He was not an Earthly man, anyway. He was not human, not mortal. He cupped your face in his hands and kissed the tip of your nose and stroked your cheekbones and swore undying loyalty to you, and he kept his word.

The first night that he stayed in your room, you were a mess. And you hated it. Your brain knew that Loki was not the last man you’d been with. Your brain knew that he would throw himself out the window before he ever thought about hurting you. But your body insisted that he was a man in your bed, and he’d reach for you and ask for something that you weren’t willing to give, and then he’d take it without your permission and you couldn’t stop him. He saw the way you twisted your fingers together, and he looked at you with those soft eyes, and he said that he’d come back in the morning. When he leaned in to kiss your forehead, you clung to him and shook your head. 

“I want you to stay,” you whispered, hating how rough the fear made your voice. 

“I don’t want you to be frightened.” And your heart sank. Because didn’t he deserve someone better than this? You swallowed back the lump in your throat and tried to force yourself to breathe normally.

“I’m not afraid of you.” And yet your voice wavered. You heard him laugh quietly and then he was kissing your forehead again.

It took some convincing, but he did end up staying that night. He got into your bed first, and pulled the covers up over himself. You hovered on the other side of the bed for far too long. Maybe this was too much, too soon. You’d only just gotten to the point where he didn’t have to warn you before he touched you. But you wanted, so badly, to give him something normal. And normal couples could share the same bed. His eyes were closed, and his arms were folded behind his head. He looked as nonthreatening as he possibly could. You drew in another breath and then let it out as you allowed yourself to climb into bed. Neither of you moved for a long time. Your heart was beating quickly, but...not as quickly as you might have expected. And your stomach felt fine. You pulled the covers up to just under your chin, but then turned your head to look at him.

“Can I—” You cut yourself off. Normal people didn’t need to ask for permission, but...Loki had gotten himself tangled up in you while fully aware that you weren’t normal. He turned towards you and slowly opened his eyes, waiting for you to finish your thought. You swallowed again. “Can I come closer?”

That smile. It was soft and fond, with just the slightest flash of pride. He gave you that smile any time you pushed yourself out of your incredibly-small comfort zone. The first time you nudged him playfully with your elbow when he stood beside you at your desk. The first time you took his hand. The first time you tugged on his shirt to bring him down to your height so you could kiss him. He nodded without a word, and you moved closer to him in the bed. Perhaps strengthened by that very smile, you curled into him and put your head on his shoulder. 

He gave you time to adjust to the feel of him, lying perfectly still beside you. You could hear his heart beating in his chest, and lost yourself in the sound for some time. It had been a long, _long_ time since you’d lain like this with anyone. You closed your eyes against the threat of tears and focused on your breathing. It was nice. It was so nice. Before...everything, you’d been able to do things like this without taking the time to psych yourself up for it. Maybe you mourned those times here and now, with tears you would not shed. But maybe also, during those times, you couldn’t grasp the deep comfort that you now felt. 

Loki said your name and jarred you out of that odd spiral that your mind threatened to fall into. “Can I put my arm around you?”

He deserved someone who didn’t need him to ask something like that. He deserved someone who could take only delight in his touch. But—and this was _big_ —he was here. Through every last resurgence of your trauma, he’d been here. The spoiled, selfish boy in Thor’s stories, he wouldn’t stay somewhere he didn’t want to be, right? Even with his reputation, even here in New York, surely there were countless gorgeous women (and men!) who would have been happy to throw themselves at him. He would not have to wait for them. He would not have to coddle them and tiptoe around them and _ask_ to touch them. But he was _here_ , and he was willing to follow your lead. That meant something.

You nodded against his chest. “Will you? Please?”

He hummed his pleasure and then his arm came down around you. He held you. Nestled safely there against him, surrounded with his heartbeat and the smell of him, you found your eyelids growing heavy. You slept. You slept more peacefully than you had in a long time, and, when you woke up in the morning, he was still asleep. Feeling brave, you reached up to trace the angles of his face with your fingertips. He was beautiful. Dim sunlight kissed his cheeks, his nose, his chin, and you drank in the sight of him. 

When he opened his eyes, he did it as slowly as ever. By now, you were at the point where you probably weren’t likely to be startled by his eyes snapping open, but you could still appreciate his concern. You didn’t pull away, and he didn’t speak. Instead, the two of you laid there in each other’s arms just...enjoying the moment. 

These were the things you wanted to interrupt the lab-conversations with. Any time someone came in with a sharp word about Loki, something protective uncoiled in you and almost gave you the courage to speak up. Tony could tell that something was up. Every now and then, he’d look over at you when Thor was on one of his tirades, and he’d give you that knowing smile. This afternoon, when anger made your hands tremble so badly that you dropped a heavy part onto your desk, they both looked over at you. Before Loki, and his strength and his patience, that might have been enough to cow you. You might have mumbled out some apology and then fled from the room, but today you forced yourself to straighten your shoulders and meet Thor’s gaze.

“You’re wrong about him,” you said in a voice that was barely loud enough to be heard. “Respectfully. He’s thoughtful and kind. And he’s extremely powerful, but patient. And gentle. He wants to do what’s best, Thor, no matter what else you say.” But you’d run out of steam, then, and had to look away as you reached out with hands that still trembled, to pick up the part you dropped. 

You didn’t see the way Thor looked at you: with interest, like you were something he’d only just discovered. But you did hear Tony’s quiet “Attagirl” before he smacked Thor’s shoulder to drag his attention back to their project. Nothing more was said about Loki, and, over time, your hands and body went back to normal. 

You did not notice the glossy, blue-green eyes watching you from the shadows.


End file.
